we believe God wants you to know…
… that happiness has nothing to do with pleasure.
… that God has an important purpose for you, and made everything possible for you to succeed.
That’s not to say it’s an easy purpose, or a convenient one. It might very well seem hard or …even impossible, but it only looks that way. The truth is that one day you will look back and see how all the pieces fit together. And how your life has been a complete and utter success.
April 8, 2009
I have the whole evening to say my goodbye…
The past month has been a rollercoaster ride…it has been a difficult pregnancy… but i loved every moment of it because for the first time…I am blessed to be a mom… I knew she was there, I felt her presence in me…
Most days I hoped and prayed that she’ll be fine…that our little angel will personally get to meet the whole family whose excitedly awaiting her arrival…Unfortunately, she’s not ready…But I have cherished every moment I’ve spent with her…
~~~
Dear sweetheart,
When the Dr did the final ultrasound to see how you are…
…for the first time in this whole pregnancy, I felt dead inside…
I could not feel you…I could not see you…
All I wanted to do was weep, for I wanted you to be fine…
I would have given up anything just to see your heart beat…
Tears started to well up my eyes as I was looking at you on the monitor…
I knew in my heart this is my chance to say goodbye…
Our last bonding session…
I started to feel numb…
…But I told myself, this is not the time to be sad…
for I know God has special plans for you…so He had to take you back…
I called your Dad and told him the news…he was silent for a moment as he was trying his best to be strong for you and I…I then called your Ninang Grace and told her we have to say goodbye…your Ninang was as sad as I am…she was so looking forward to your bonding sessions with her when I go back to work…
My Angel…I know you’ve felt it…so always remember that you are deeply loved by us all…
As I’ve said, God has a special plan for you…something BIG and WONDERFUL… trust me, it will bring a smile to your lovely face…a peaceful warmth that will envelop your heart…a sense of contentment that will satiate your soul…and the satisfaction of having the wisdom to comprehend God’s plan…
…a blessing far beyond what your dad and I can ever ask for you…Though I wish it was with us…I know He knows better…
I know in my heart… someday we’ll all understand why we have to say goodbye.
Bye my Angel…it has been a miracle to have you…even for a short period of time…
Thank you for the gift little one…you reminded us of what is important in this fleeting world…you reminded us to slow down and appreciate each other…and most importantly…you reminded us of God’s great love…
Your dad and I will never forget you…you will always have a special place in our heart and in our lives…
Loving you always,
Mom
p.s
I hope you heard your dad’s whisper… if there’s this waiting area for the souls somewhere…just wait a bit…we’re sure to pick you up, soon =)
I had a blast for my 31st! I partied all night long (in my dreams)… I got deliciously drunk (from Orange Juice and H2O )…there was party music everywhere (which was actually RnB)…lots of people came (around 4, hehehe)…and I danced all night (DANCING as defined by Maria’s current condition is: snapping her fingers and nodding her head, while lying in bed).
In spite of the simplicity of it all…I did had a blast. =) I get to blow my cake and got a bunch of my favorite flowers (casablanca and stargazer) from my hubby! Life is sweet!!!
Hahahah, service deluxe =) I even get to cut my cake in bed…thanks to my husband who tried to make the day as normal as possible.
Yup, I even get to eat my cake in bed! =)
Thanks for everything…
Hubby and I just arrived from my blood test and ultrasound. Kinchan saw our baby for the first time and it was amazing. No heartbeat yet but the lady who did the ultrasound said, everything seems to be progressing in a normal pace. It might take another 2 weeks to see the heartbeat. She even checked my ovaries and fallopian tube and they are in tip top shape.I saw the sac and the yolk. It’s amazing how something wonderful is growing in me. I love the lady who did the ultrasound because she’s very positive and informative as well.She said, based on the ultrasound, I’m almost 6 weeks.
The bleeding hasn’t stopped though…I just wish our baby is fine inspite of everything. I’ve been to 4 Dr’s, 2 technicians, and I’ve scoured the internet for information and they are all saying the same thing, at this point…it’s not in our hands. We pray everynight that he/she will be fine…
I’m glad for the experience…the love…the care that surrounds me. I can’t wait for my mom to come as well.
~~~
We’re also trying lite and easy to make things more convenient for us. Hehehehe, not enough for a pregnant woman though! =)
~~~
Morning sickness started this week as well. Uckkkkk!
We had another scare this week. I was rushed to the ER due to continues bleeding since Sunday. Good thing though is there is no pain. I stayed in the hospital till late Monday night so the doctor could monitor my progress. From there I was advised to take things easy, thus I took the rest of the week off from work.
Come Wednesday, the bleeding has subsided but the fear in me that I lost the baby was so immense, so I did another blood test and took the initiative to locate an OBGYN.
Everything paid off as I am still pregnant. My hCG levels are increasing and I finally saw an embryotic sac with a tiny dot in it =) We could then rule out ectopic pregnancy as cause of the bleeding BUT I was strictly advised to stay off my feet thus a month long BED REST because I have threatened abortion signs.
hCG levels:
March 10 – 1960
March 13 – 3+++
March 16 – 6970
March 19 – 11,644
I have been in bed for 4 days now and I am bored to death! =) Good thing though, the bleeding has drastically become less. If this continues, I might be able to go back to work in 2 weeks.
Hope the weekend will make me and the baby stronger!
~~~
Thanks han for everything…
This week has been an ordeal on us. Monday as I was going to work, I started bleeding again. I was a bit concerned so I went to see Dr Mona. She advised me to have an ultrasound to check how the baby is developing and to lie down for the rest of the day. I went home and did just that.
So the next day, I went to have my ultrasound done and they couldn’t find my darling baby! The report said I had a miscarriage! =( I was so sad and disappointed. Dr Mona then advised that I need to take a blood test to confirm whether or not the ultrasound report is correct. Because there is a possibility that I’m just on the early stages of pregnancy.
So we did just that and from 1960 hCG on Tuesday, I went up to 3+++ on Friday! So I’m definitely STILL pregnant. The baby is just to small to be seen even with a powerful machine. In about 2 weeks, we’ll have her/his first picture! Hopefully no more dramas.
Being a first time mom, I’m apprehensive and on the edge most of the time, I get rattled with bad news like what I had to go thru this week. But I try to remain positive for everyone’s sake, especially my husband, my baby and me. I try to do my best with my pregnancy. I drink my glass of milk every morning, I snack on fruits everyday, I vigilantly take my folate, and i sleep as much as I can, and I remain positive and happy. =)
At the end of the day…I love being pregnant. I love having a supportive husband. I love having a wonderful family. I love having reliable friends. No matter how imperfect life is…I think I HAVE IT ALL where it matters the most!
DAY 1 (March 6, 2009)
5:30AM
“I woke up with a feeling of disappointment as my pregnancy results were negative, but I told myself that we can always try again. Feeling a bit better, I went straight to the bathroom to take a pee. To my surprise, I saw the pregnancy test unopened! The negative results were just part of a dream! I took a deep breath and then proceeded to taking the test without any expectations in my heart. I know God will give me his blessing when I’m ready for it =)
As I was staring at the pregnancy stick…waiting for it to reveal its news…I thought, how powerful this contraption is, it could either bring extreme happiness to an expecting parents or grief to a young teenager whose not ready to be a parent herself. My thoughts started to drift to what my day will be at work…then it happened…I had to focus my gaze on the pregnancy kit as it showed 2 lines…OMG…I am pregnant!
I didn’t think of doing the test again as in my heart I KNOW I am pregnant…I woke my husband up and told him the wonderful news. The first words out of my darling husbands’ mouth was “Are you sure?” LOL When I said yes…he congratulated us both and started proceeding telling jokes about me tampering with the test. =) I hopped off the bed and started preparing for work.
I called Tina and told her the good news. I was spotting again and needed advise about it. Tina was ecstatic as I am. We talked for several hours on the phone but I had to hang up because I was going thru a tunnel. When I got to work, I had to tell John and Sandra. I got a big hug from Sandra and a name suggestion from John…you guessed right, he thought “John” would be a wonderful name! LOL
I emailed 2 of my fondest friends, Ate Zen and Bernadette as well, as I was just getting advise the other day on how to get pregnant from them.
I waited for a while until I could tell one of my favorite persons in the world… for she comes in at around 11AM… Grace was so ecstatic, I almost cried. She was so red from jumping so many times. LOL And I thought Sandra’s hug was tight…I could hardly breathe with Gracie’s hug…and she is so petite =) I simply love the look of happiness on her face…it’s like looking in a mirror. I just love this friend of mine. We celebrated by having an hour lunch at our favorite hang out…Thai Princess. I had Chicken Laksa and Gracia had Hookien Noodles.
Reality started to sink in as I realized that I did the test only once. I then went to a chemist in Oxford St to buy another pregnancy test. I was apprehensive in taking the 2nd test because it might turn out to be negative…but my instincts are right. I am pregnant =)
Then I went to our family doctor to have everything checked that afternoon. Dr Farrag confirmed that I am pregnant and gave me advises on how to be a first time mom =) No seafood and cheese…I think I’m about to die =) And goodbye Vodka too! Arggghhhhh =) He told me that I’m about 6 weeks pregnant. Yahuuuuuu!
I got home and then called my mom…all she said was THANK YOU and Praise the Lord! LOL We then called my Mother in Law and she was so happy she called again! Hahahah. Actually both our mothers loaded their phone to ring us back!
We then called our family here is Sydney, Tito Berting. We told Tito the good news and he was so happy for us. He said it’s about time =) He’s a bit worried because I’m studying my Masters full time, I’m working full time and now I’m pregnant, full time =) He kept on reminding me to take things easy and just relax. I also had a chat with my inaanak, Charlotte…gosh, she’s such a lovely child!
I also emailed my 2 beautiful cousins, Karell and Kath as well as the CHIQUES. I also had a chat with Joena. She’s so excited to be a Ninang =) I’ll email the rest of the family on Monday.
I am happy! “
Hubby and I celebrated Valentine’s the other day. He gave me this lovely book I’ve always wanted to read. 101 Things to do Before You’re Old and Boring. So on this special day where we remind the people we care about that we love them… I cooked this for my darling husband. =)
VERDICT: He loved it =)
I’ve been reading Teena’s blog lately and she made this list she called “25 random things about me.” I had a blast getting to know my friend all over again. I thought I’d make a list about myself as well.
1. I love colouring my hair – I might go bald before I reach 40, yet I don’t care. 
I have my hair coloured every now and then. It all depends on my mood. I get a treatment when I’m extremely happy, feeling a bit low, angry about something, or plain moody!
2. Drama Queen – Before tuning off and going to bed, I love to put my feet up and listen to OPM Music…hmmm…and sing along as well. It just relaxes me and calm my nerves. This is my ME-TIME. It doesn’t hurt to have a bottle of wine (cough cough) I meant, glass of wine…by my side too! I prefer listening alone though. I can be quite the DRAMA QUEEN and it’ll be hard to explain why I’m laughing one moment and crying the next. Hmmm…did I say Drama Queen? Maybe I should have said CRAZY MARIA!
3. Grocery Shopper Addict – I can’t help it, I’m addicted to Woolies, Coles, Franklins, Butcher shops, Fish market, and Fruit stands! I’m a grocery junkie! I love the feeling of going from aisle to aisle, examining the meat and fruits, comparing prices and deciding whether or not I should get that food product! You should see our cupboard…it’s like I’m preparing for World War III…I’m hoarding so much goods!
4. Summer Sunshine – I love, love, love the sun. I just can’t help it, I feel ecstatic and renewed everytime the sun is up. I also love everything associated with summer…beaches, sundress, ice cold drinks, holidays, longer sun shine, bbq, picnics, etc. I used to loose weight during summer too, but that doesn’t seem to work now… Well, there’s always next year!
5. Seafood Junkie – I can go for weeks just eating seafood! Smoked Salmon and Oysters are my favorite. Ate knows that the best way to encourage me to go to any affair is to say there are oysters. I can’t say no to Sashimi either.
6. Jewelry Fanatic – I would go gogo and gaga over jewelry. But I’m not a big fan of gold or silver jewelry. They may cost a lot of money but I think they lack character. I’m more of a bead and swarovski fanatic. I like old ones as well, those handed down from my grandparents. I also prefer those handmade jewelry sold in markets. Speaking of markets…I LOVE MARKETS!
7. What’s in a name – My real name is *** It is quite a long one, you could imagine the nightmare I experience everytime I need to fill out a form. My parents gave me that name as a tribute to my grandparents. My nana from my father side is *** while *** is Nana from my mother side. And since I grew up everywhere, I developed quite a number of nicknames. Friends and family call me ***. Classmates from gradeschool call me ***. Classmates in highschool and Uni call me ***. There was a point in my uni days when people started calling me *** (my initials) And everytime I study or work overseas, it’s always been ***. But my Catholic Mission family calls me ***. Phew…what new name will come up next?
8. I’m a frustrated painter – I used to love to paint. I still do, but I’m not as passionate about it as I was before. My favorite medium was Oil Pastels. I’m not even good, but I guess it doesn’t really matter. Here in Sydney, I started painting the opera house with the harbour bridge on a small canvass. It’s been 2 years and it’s not even done. =) My dad was an accountant by profession but a painter/artist by heart and my long time goal is to have his paintings up on my living room. Someday…someday. I wish one of my kids will inherit my dad’s ability to paint… But I love the Arts, I love to create, and I love beautiful things 
9. I am shy – Family and friends from the Philippines would NEVER believe this =) in fact, I can see a riot starting with chairs flying, windows being broken, profanities uttered as their sign of protest to this comment…but the reality is, I am.
10. I was a LOA – Lilies of the Altar =) I would dance to the tune of “The Lord’s Prayer”, wear a white dress and a veil to mass and was quite an active parishioner in our Church. When I was young, I thought I’d enter the convent, but instead I enjoyed having a boyfriend! So I knew, married life is my calling.
11. I sleep with my feet inside a pillowcase – One of my weird habits. When I was in Phils, I cannot sleep without a pillow to put my feet in =) Now, I can’t sleep without socks on…psychologically, it’s my security blanket. =)
12. Movie-holic – This is my favorite pastime with my husband. We would spend long weekends sitting in our lounge doing a movie marathon. Unfortunately, because I have short term memory, I always forget that I’ve already watched a certain film and insist on watching the movie again…only to realise towards the end that INDEED I’ve already watched it:-D
13. I am Tinkerbell – Yup, Disillusioned Maria is back. I’m not going to explain this one…I just might lose friends and be advised to seek professional help. So I’ll leave it at that.
14. I panic – I respond to any form of stress with how I know best – I PANIC. I’m actually thinking of taking yoga classes to harness my chi. But then, MARIA without the PANIC MODE is NOT Maria
15. I’m hearing impaired – I have no medical evidence of this whatsoever! But I am 100% sure that I’m mildly hearing impaired!
16. So you think you can dance – Yes I do! =) But I didn’t say I’m good. I just dance a lot especially at home. It’s my exercise during the evening. When I get to work early, which happens once in a blue moon, I dance a bit too. Hmmmm, I hope there’s no camera’s around.
17. Food Lover – This is so obvious! Family and friends would know how much I enjoy good food! I would journey the world to taste what each country has to offer. I love experimenting with my cooking as well. It sometimes get my husband hospitalised but he always recovers from it, so I continue with my experimenting!
18. I am scared of birds – I am such a pushover when it comes to those massive flying creatures. I remember I was eating lunch during a picnic long time ago with my husband when there was this HUGE bird that came over and tried to eat my chips. Guess what, I moved away to let him/her have it. =) Tsk tsk, such a pushover! 
19. Cry Baby – Like Teena, I’m such a cry baby. I cry as often as I colour my hair
20. Lemon Lime and Bitter – My favorite drink in the world…to make it my ULTRA MEGA favorite, I add a bit of vodka
21. I’m a blogger – Yup I’m a bladger…oh sorry, I meant blogger! Before the internet era (did I just gave a hint to my age? tsk tsk), I kept diaries of my escapades (to my HORROR, I discovered that my mom now reads them–feeling pocketbook!) Now, I keep a blog where I put in my day to day experiences.
22. Traveling is my thing – I love love love love love love to travel. I would like to experience different cultures and see how everyone lives. Meaning, I just don’t want to see tourist areas, I want to experience their way of life…Kinchan and I almost packed our bags and moved to Japan to try it out for a year… Almost!
23. CHIQUES – I’m a part of this elite group of women whose presence has made a difference in their family and friends lives. I met these bunch of girls in highschool and to this day (17 years of friendship) I love them like family. Sometimes I forget that I’m an only child…because they are my sisters.
24. Loco Roco – I bought my own PSP 2 years ago because I was so addicted to Loco Roco. I would play until the wee hours of the morning just to finish a stage. I’m now trying PATAPON…PATA PATA PATA PON
25. I’m happily married –
